Saturday, September 24, 2011

Why

I've been avoiding you, blog.

It's not you, really. It's me.

I've been in a rough spot. And when I get to be in that place, it's hard for me to talk about it. I tend to be quite introverted at times. Sharing makes you vulnerable. Being vulnerable can be terrifying.

But I have finally found my footing, and I know there's no use me going on like this, hiding away.

The truth is, I don't always understand God or all the things He chooses to allow into His world.

There, I said it.

I don't understand why He, all powerful and full of love and compassion, allows babies to die or horrible diseases to ravage our bodies or couples who want a baby to be infertile or any of the other awful, painful things that happen in life. I don't know. I struggle to come to grips with it.

Yet somewhere deep, I know He loves. I know it.

It seems, it feels like these two facts can not be reconciled:
God is love.
God allows suffering.

But somehow, some way, they ARE reconciled. In Him. In Jesus.

It is not easy to accept at times.

I have recently shared about a miracle that occured in my body. I went from being on numerous medications and growing steadily worse to being drug-free and without pain. I knew a future pregnancy was incredibly unlikely, maybe impossible. Within a few weeks of that healing, I was expecting.

Yet the symptoms have returned.

Pain, stiffness, difficulty sleeping. I am still *much* more functional than I was. I am still off of all those drugs. (I take Tylenol on occasion to take the edge off the pain. Obviously, during pregnancy, my pain management options are somewhat limited.) I am still carrying our miracle baby. I am grateful for all I can do.

Yet I wonder why. Why pain? Why is the disease still here? I have no doubt God *could* heal me completely. So why not?

I have wrestled with this question, and many others. They have haunted me, because all the whys lead down a slippery slope to the same ultimate questions- Does God care? Does God love me? Because *if* He does... why?

I don't have all the answers. I know this:
He loves me.
He cares.
His grace is sufficient.

I can only give you what I have been given and that is this...

The most important goal in my life is not health or wealth...

It is to *know* Him.

Sometimes, I have allowed myself to be more focused on His Hand than on His Heart. When I focus on myself, my circumstances, what I want Him to do *for* me, I have taken my eyes off of Him. That is when confusion, despair, sets in.

You sink when you become preoccupied with the waves.

You walk on water when you fully behold Jesus.

"For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known." 1 Cor. 13:12

For now, I am simply looking ahead, and thankful for the day when all the whys will be answered, every tear wiped away, pain gone forever... and for the grace, the faith, to trust, until that day.

~amy danielle

6 comments:

  1. oh beautiful amy, i love you. it's one of those things i was talking to you about... we know, but... it's so hard. and God is so good... this we know. i am praying for you.

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  2. (((Amy))) You know I have no answers, only that God does indeed love you, and what we can't see clearly - what we don't understand as we make our way through this fallen world - will one day be revealed. Jesus loves you - this I know - and so do I. You are a Rock star - dear sister.

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  3. so sorry to hear that your pain is returning. I find another way to not get bogged down with the whys when I am in pain is to concentrate my thoughts on eternity, and the assurance that we have of no more pain. It doesn't take it away but it does seem to help knowing that our time on earth is so short compared to what we will share later. Love and prayer to you x

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  4. You so much echo my thoughts and feelings - but in the end, we do just have to rely on him. Who knows why God allows suffering? I think that's too big a question for us as humans to understand...what we have to do, somehow, is try to trust him, and allow ourselves to say "Lord, I believe. Help my unbelief."
    God bless.

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  5. What a blessing it was to visit here today....yes, there is much we don't understand, but in the end I trust that God knows best. Sorry that you are struggling with your health. Have you ever considered using God's eight natural laws of health to aid your healing? I have found them to turn around 95% of all disease and pain...if you want to chat feel free to email me at colleenlouw@gmail.com Blessings to you today, Colleen

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  6. dearest Amy. When you told of your miracle I rejoiced with you and just kept on praying, waiting to see what God was doing. I don't have words for what I'm feeling in my heart towards you - just fellowship and friendship and familiarity with these feelings (in my own areas, with my own thorns)and the questions. We'll just keep clinging on here together, holding on while the Lord continues to pass by and reveal Himself to us. You are loved. Even when I don't say much, I keep praying. I hope you know that. Sending you such love.

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