I've been avoiding you, blog.
It's not you, really. It's me.
I've been in a rough spot. And when I get to be in that place, it's hard for me to talk about it. I tend to be quite introverted at times. Sharing makes you vulnerable. Being vulnerable can be terrifying.
But I have finally found my footing, and I know there's no use me going on like this, hiding away.
The truth is, I don't always understand God or all the things He chooses to allow into His world.
There, I said it.
I don't understand why He, all powerful and full of love and compassion, allows babies to die or horrible diseases to ravage our bodies or couples who want a baby to be infertile or any of the other awful, painful things that happen in life. I don't know. I struggle to come to grips with it.
Yet somewhere deep, I know He loves. I know it.
It seems, it feels like these two facts can not be reconciled:
God is love.
God allows suffering.
But somehow, some way, they ARE reconciled. In Him. In Jesus.
It is not easy to accept at times.
I have recently shared about a miracle that occured in my body. I went from being on numerous medications and growing steadily worse to being drug-free and without pain. I knew a future pregnancy was incredibly unlikely, maybe impossible. Within a few weeks of that healing, I was expecting.
Yet the symptoms have returned.
Pain, stiffness, difficulty sleeping. I am still *much* more functional than I was. I am still off of all those drugs. (I take Tylenol on occasion to take the edge off the pain. Obviously, during pregnancy, my pain management options are somewhat limited.) I am still carrying our miracle baby. I am grateful for all I can do.
Yet I wonder why. Why pain? Why is the disease still here? I have no doubt God *could* heal me completely. So why not?
I have wrestled with this question, and many others. They have haunted me, because all the whys lead down a slippery slope to the same ultimate questions- Does God care? Does God love me? Because *if* He does... why?
I don't have all the answers. I know this:
He loves me.
His grace is sufficient.
I can only give you what I have been given and that is this...
The most important goal in my life is not health or wealth...
It is to *know* Him.
Sometimes, I have allowed myself to be more focused on His Hand than on His Heart. When I focus on myself, my circumstances, what I want Him to do *for* me, I have taken my eyes off of Him. That is when confusion, despair, sets in.
You sink when you become preoccupied with the waves.
You walk on water when you fully behold Jesus.
"For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known." 1 Cor. 13:12
For now, I am simply looking ahead, and thankful for the day when all the whys will be answered, every tear wiped away, pain gone forever... and for the grace, the faith, to trust, until that day.