Monday, January 16, 2012

A Heavy Post

I sometimes feel so frustrated that i don't feel I have words to express what I am thinking. It's an abstract kind of frustration, built up in layers, I think. Some of it is being tired, exhausted really. Completely fatigued by chronic illness. I feel I could truly sleep for days on end and wake up feeling much the same. I rarely feel relief from this fatigue, and on the rare occasions I do, it is very short lived indeed.

Some of it has to do with money. I've never liked thinking about money much. Trever has now been out of the army just under a year, and I guess we both assumed he would be settled into a good job by now, but that has not been the way things have worked out. He was offered a little job at a local donut shop when he left the service, which he gladly took, assuming it would be a good way to transition. He is still working there now, though the woman who owns the shop has steadily decreased his hours over the months. Today he was sent his schedule- only eight hours for the entire week. I needn't explain that this will simply not do for a man who is trying to support eight {soon to be nine} children.

Sometimes I rack my brain for ways to make our dollars stretch. I think of cheaper meals, expenses we can cut, things we can do ourselves so as to not necessitate services... but some days, like today, I realize that even with all that, there is not much I can do but pray. And hope.

I rarely share these kinds of feelings with my friends. There are three main reasons for this, I suppose.

The first, if I were to be entirely honest, is that it is sometimes hard to share bad news. No one wants to be a downer. And instinctively, I guess I realize, people do not much like to hear bad news either. I'm sick. I don't feel well. We are struggling financially. Doesn't sound very happy. And really, I'm not complaining. It's a hard season, yes. I am just being honest. It is hard.

The second is that people do not listen well. It is very, very rare to find a friend or family member who will just listen to you in love. People would much rather talk. They want to offer their advice, tell you about their own problems, or else tell you it's not so bad as it seems, things will get better, etc. I'm not saying there is never a time for this, it's just that sometimes you just need someone to listen, to sympathize and to love you. And that's all.

Sometimes, in spite of trying to be positive and make you feel better, people make you simply feel worse. Misunderstood. As though your pain and struggles are insignificant and to be made light of. I suppose sometimes people simply want to feel validated.

The third thing is that sharing is scary. It makes you vulnerable, it shows a side of you that perhaps you don't much like seeing even by yourself. To open yourself up to others in such a personal way can make you feel much, much worse when you are not received with grace. And some of us have a hard time opening up anyway, under the best of circumstances.

I am a private person myself, I struggle to talk about personal things, and I admit, I have been hurt at times when I have ventured out. Sometimes, it has been my closest friends and family members who have hurt me the most, unintentional though it may have been. It has made me timid about opening up.

Sharing is not always safe and relationships always carry risks. They are still worth it. I have learned how important it can be to forgive when you are hurt and how you can allow the hurts in your life to transform you into a gentler, more compassionate person, a better friend, a better listener....

We don't always have to have the right words. Sometimes there just aren't any.

A quote from Henri Nouwen comes to mind:

"When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives means the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares."

Now is the point in this blog post where I realize that I have very effectively gone off on a tangent, and yet I feel too tired to go through and edit it all out. So maybe that is what this post was meant to be. Sometimes when I write, I just allow my thoughts to materialize. That is more or less what this is...

In any case, it has been hard lately. I guess that's more or less the whole point, in case I lost you and you are wondering.

~amy danielle

4 comments:

  1. i love you. thank you for sharing this. i understand, believe me, i understand. i will be praying.

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  2. sharing is indeed a difficult and risky business, one I am trying to learn to, well done! Will keep praying from my little corner of the world, take care xxxxxxxxxxxx

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  3. (((Amy)))Thank you for letting us "listen", Amy. Thank you for trusting us with your pain and hurts, because we love you. I wish I was close enough to be there. Much, much love to you, sweet sister. XOX

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  4. (((Amy)))
    Sitting with with you...
    Sending love...
    xxx

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