Saturday, February 2, 2013

When You Have No Answers

I've been told that when you can't think of anything to write about, you should just go ahead and write, and you'll find that something will come to you. And that is what you were meant to write.

The problem I face when I try to do this is that when I'm struggling to write, it is usually NOT because I have nothing to say, but rather because there are so many things I am thinking about all at once that I simply do not know where or how to begin. That is certainly the case today.

I've found lately, I struggle even to pray. I find myself emotionally wrung out and resort to simply saying, "Help!"

I lay in bed at night when all is quiet, babies tucked into warm beds and our dog's snoring keeping rhythm. My body is achy and bone-weary but my mind swirls frantically trying to solve all the world's problems. Enigmas more mysterious than I can comprehend mock, crouched in the dark corners of my bedroom. I toss and turn, trying in vain to find a comfortable position that will lull me to sleep. I sleep fitfully, waking up with my thoughts and trying to find a way to make the jigsaw pieces fit together, to make the picture that is my life come into focus.

How do you pray when you don't know what to pray, to make blurry become clear?

I am a living, breathing contradiction.

I'm lackadasical, listless, acedic.

And then I'm not.

I'm apt and passionate and focused.

I am not quite certain which hurts worse.

Life has a funny way of taking your dearest loves and muddling everything up, leaving it all twirling like a little girl wrapping tendrils of hair round and round on her finger.

It's friends and family and church and finances and all our best hopes and wildest dreams all riding together on a merry-go-round, and sometimes it feels like that big bully kid on the playground has taken a turn spinning you as fast as you can go, until you are frightened and nauseated and begging to be let off.

You stumble off dizzy, and stagger around looking for a safe place to just sit.

That's me, this morning. Just looking for a safe place to sit while I regain my balance.

I have no answer but love.

"Love is the answer to all things: love ends all questions. Lord, ever more give us this love." -Amy Carmichael

May your weekend be blessed, kind friends, with safe places to regain your inner balance, to cultivate peace, and to answer every puzzling question with love.

~amy danielle

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