I've not written here with much regularity as of late. I tend to write in spurts, when I feel I have something important or profound to share, and obviously that hasn't been happening a whole lot lately, hence my sporadic entries. I'm one of those people who likes to write from an I've-got-this-all-figured-out kind of place. Recently, I've realized how very little I really know.
I've written quite a bit in this place about my faith, about church, about Jesus... There have even been times when I have thought that the day to day details of my life, my other passions like my family or my art or my great love for the beach are somehow not as worthy of sharing.
But I feel like the truth is that I am not a particularly deep person all the time. Sometimes, I just enjoy floating in the ocean or collecting seashells. I like making sand castles with my kids and waiting for the tide to rise high enough to wash away all the messages I've written in the sand with my big toe. I enjoy going to get a pedicure because I can sit in a massage chair and watch soap operas for 40 minutes without anyone talking to me or needing me and because I usually get the same man who must know I need a little TLC and he always gives me an awesome foot massage. Sometimes I fill my grocery cart with healthy meals and then am too tired or lazy to cook it and I order pizza instead. Sometimes I drink too much and get tipsy and start telling everyone how much I love them. Sometimes I slip and say cuss words in front of my kids and they scold me and I apologize.
I am not going to try to make all my posts deep or religious or Jesus-y anymore. I'm just going to start over in this place being me and sharing about me. It is my blog, after all. If something deep or profound happens to come out of me I'll consider that a bonus.
I don't have a whole lot of answers.
In fact, I have spent way too many years of my life searching and studying and aching to know more, hoping I'd eventually find the key that would unlock the mystery of knowing and loving and being a faithful follower of God. I've gotten side tracked with all kinds of different issues, from programs to theology to social justice to politics, and I've been angry and bitter and hurt and frustrated and achy. I've discovered that most of the people I have gone to church with don't have any more answers than I do and also that they don't much like it when I go poking around with my obnoxious questions. They don't want their system screwed with. I'm generally told that I just need to be obedient, to stay on the hamster wheel. Read your Bible and pray and believe. Submit.
I've been told more than once over this past year that my personality is not liked, and while I wish I could say it didn't bother me all that much, it did. I've discovered that I can feel the most alone while I am surrounded by people, and feel the furthest from God in church. That's pretty crazy, if you think about it. I've also discovered that, for the most part, I don't like church. Some people really do, and that's okay too, it's just not me anymore. I'm just fed up with the whole shebang.
I'm burned out on book-club Bible studies and canned worship and going through the motions. I feel like I have to unlearn a crapton of religious junk just to get back to the simplicity of relationship.
I don't have a mission statement for my life any more; I am just taking this one day at a time.
I struggle with chronic illness. It sucks. I'm tired all the time and I've finally gotten to the point where I realize that some things are just not worth the time or energy or stress it would take for me to participate. I have limited resources and need to use them wisely. I'm going to concentrate on the relationships in my life that are nurturing and healthy for me, and I'm going to try to be okay with letting the other ones fall away.
I want my kids to remember a mom who was joyful and fun, not a mom who was pissed off and frustrated all the time. I don't really know what I think about God but the one thing that stands out for me is that God is love. I'm just going to focus on that. If my religion can't look like a love affair, I'm ditching it.
Maybe it'll become easier to write and share now that I've dropped some of the expectations.
It's late here and Ella Grace is asleep. I think I'm going to read in bed until my eyes get tired and then go to sleep. I have a box of donuts and coffee waiting to be brewed for breakfast. The kids have started the school year, so our mornings are usually full of activity, but I still manage to guard my morning quiet time. I need to wake up slowly or it seems the whole day gets off to a bad start.
I'll consider this post my blog's reset button.