The greatly talented, gentle, kind-loving and luminous Patricia Hunter from Pollywog Creek has asked me to write a guest post on her new(ish) website, Encou{RA}ge. It is a lovely blog meant to bring encouragement to those with invisible diseases, like RA. Please check it out. You won't be sorry.
My post is HERE.
Please subscribe, like, comment and share.
Much love from the fight,
Amy Smith
Tuesday, September 22, 2015
Wednesday, September 16, 2015
Online Journal
I seem to be a little fickle, as far as this blog goes. I go through periods where I write nearly every day for a month or more and then slow down to a complete stop for weeks. It's not intentional. There are a number of factors that influence these gaps, including illness. Sometimes, when I am feeling exceptionally unwell for a longer period of time, I don't feel I have much of anything good to contribute here. I don't want to be a grumbler, though I suppose there may be some who find there way here who are also struggling with chronic illness or some other such thing. Perhaps it would serve as a source of encouragement to know that other people struggle too.
So friends, I am struggling. The doctor's visits, the lab work, the pharmacy meltdowns, the insurance battles... it's all feeling overwhelming right now. I have such a hard time receiving refills in a timely manner and sometimes just a few days off of the medications cause me to have a flare. I lay in bed, feverish and swollen and miserable, and I wonder if it will always be this way, a girl with an incurable disease, enjoying only smallish times of relief and the rest of the time pain and misery.
It sounds bleak and depressing, I know. But it's truthful. I am all about being truthful.
Last week I was hit with the flu from Hell. I am finally, mostly recovered. My birthday is on Friday and we are driving down to Florida to spend the weekend with my parents, and I am so looking forward to that. She is going to make me lasagna and ceasar salad and Trever is making me a lemon pound cake with homemade lemon curd. I will be surrounded by my children, my parents, my sister... and it all sounds so lovely.
I have great hopes for the next year of my life.
Tomorrow I am meeting with Owen's kindergarten teacher for parent-teacher conferences. I am actually not dreading it as much as I thought I would.
But today I had to go to the DMV to get my license renewed before it expired on Friday. Nothing like getting down to the wire. The picture they took of me is dreadful and I will have to hold on to it for eight years. Sigh. One of these times I will get a good picture on a form of identification and I will be so thrilled I won't know what to do with myself.
Dylan and Riley have had football practices almost every week night and I sort of hate it. We have to go pick them up, Dylan at 6 and Riley sometimes as late as 7 (they go to different schools) and it messes up dinner times and feels late. It's DARK by the time they get home, and then of course they stink to high heaven and need to shower, do homework, eat something and go to bed. I barely get to talk with them. I am not used to that. They seem to love it though, and their games are on Thursdays... I missed their games two weeks in a row, the first week because I was visiting Cara in Oklahoma and the second because the flu had me in the throes of death. So I am hoping tomorrow will be a go, even though I generally avoid going out later in the day, as I am usually exhausted. I would still love to see them play. It sounds like Dylan is getting more play time than Riley, but Riley is maintaining a good attitude and hopeful he will improve and show his coach he is worthy of a starting position. I hope he does just that.
I had a friend recommend several books to me because I am wanting to explore fiction and didn't know where to start. I've mostly read non-fiction my whole life. I ordered four of the books she suggested, and they should be here tomorrow, so I am looking forward to jumping in to a new genre. I need to finish up the last few books I need to complete my challenge for the year of 30 books. I think I am currently at 22.
I don't really have any life lesson or moral of the story here, I'm really using this space as a sort of online journal at this point, but I promise if I have anything deep or profound to share, I will. In the meantime, there is something to be said about JUST WRITING. I just need to.
I am feeling exceptionally groggy this afternoon, so I think I am going to attempt a nap. I am not a good sleeper; even worse at napping. I take sleep meds, which help, but I still wake up a lot. I feel tired a lot of the time, and honestly, I can't imagine what it would feel like to wake up feeling refreshed and NOT TIRED. I keep coffee in the house religiously. My doctor even recommended a stimulant for me once, to help me stay awake and alert throughout the day, but I just hated it. It made me feel like my heart was always racing and it stressed me out. There has got to be a better way, and just as soon as I find it, I will stop taking naps at 3pm. But for now....
Sleepily yours,
Amy
So friends, I am struggling. The doctor's visits, the lab work, the pharmacy meltdowns, the insurance battles... it's all feeling overwhelming right now. I have such a hard time receiving refills in a timely manner and sometimes just a few days off of the medications cause me to have a flare. I lay in bed, feverish and swollen and miserable, and I wonder if it will always be this way, a girl with an incurable disease, enjoying only smallish times of relief and the rest of the time pain and misery.
It sounds bleak and depressing, I know. But it's truthful. I am all about being truthful.
Last week I was hit with the flu from Hell. I am finally, mostly recovered. My birthday is on Friday and we are driving down to Florida to spend the weekend with my parents, and I am so looking forward to that. She is going to make me lasagna and ceasar salad and Trever is making me a lemon pound cake with homemade lemon curd. I will be surrounded by my children, my parents, my sister... and it all sounds so lovely.
I have great hopes for the next year of my life.
Tomorrow I am meeting with Owen's kindergarten teacher for parent-teacher conferences. I am actually not dreading it as much as I thought I would.
But today I had to go to the DMV to get my license renewed before it expired on Friday. Nothing like getting down to the wire. The picture they took of me is dreadful and I will have to hold on to it for eight years. Sigh. One of these times I will get a good picture on a form of identification and I will be so thrilled I won't know what to do with myself.
Dylan and Riley have had football practices almost every week night and I sort of hate it. We have to go pick them up, Dylan at 6 and Riley sometimes as late as 7 (they go to different schools) and it messes up dinner times and feels late. It's DARK by the time they get home, and then of course they stink to high heaven and need to shower, do homework, eat something and go to bed. I barely get to talk with them. I am not used to that. They seem to love it though, and their games are on Thursdays... I missed their games two weeks in a row, the first week because I was visiting Cara in Oklahoma and the second because the flu had me in the throes of death. So I am hoping tomorrow will be a go, even though I generally avoid going out later in the day, as I am usually exhausted. I would still love to see them play. It sounds like Dylan is getting more play time than Riley, but Riley is maintaining a good attitude and hopeful he will improve and show his coach he is worthy of a starting position. I hope he does just that.
I had a friend recommend several books to me because I am wanting to explore fiction and didn't know where to start. I've mostly read non-fiction my whole life. I ordered four of the books she suggested, and they should be here tomorrow, so I am looking forward to jumping in to a new genre. I need to finish up the last few books I need to complete my challenge for the year of 30 books. I think I am currently at 22.
I don't really have any life lesson or moral of the story here, I'm really using this space as a sort of online journal at this point, but I promise if I have anything deep or profound to share, I will. In the meantime, there is something to be said about JUST WRITING. I just need to.
I am feeling exceptionally groggy this afternoon, so I think I am going to attempt a nap. I am not a good sleeper; even worse at napping. I take sleep meds, which help, but I still wake up a lot. I feel tired a lot of the time, and honestly, I can't imagine what it would feel like to wake up feeling refreshed and NOT TIRED. I keep coffee in the house religiously. My doctor even recommended a stimulant for me once, to help me stay awake and alert throughout the day, but I just hated it. It made me feel like my heart was always racing and it stressed me out. There has got to be a better way, and just as soon as I find it, I will stop taking naps at 3pm. But for now....
Sleepily yours,
Amy
Friday, August 7, 2015
Sincere Incohesive
I finished reading The Power of Your Words, by Robert Morris. All I can say really is I am glad I read it. It has made me much more mindful about the words I speak, the power words have to build up and encourage or tear down and destroy. I think that's a pretty important message.
Lately, I have been feeling so GOOD. I am so grateful for that. I have a tendency to overdo it when I am feeling good; I've been in my bed for nearly three years and now, all of a sudden, I am up and all over the place! I need to pace myself, I guess, but I just want to jump for JOY! The doctors say I have an incurable disease but it sure doesn't feel that way right now.
Sometimes I think I come here, or write in my gazillion journals, because I have so many words that they spill out, and honestly, I think they are a little overwhelming for my dear Trever. It's like I have mania all of a sudden. A holy fool. But it is like fire within me; I have to get it out lest I burn up and am consumed.
God is real. I know a lot of people don't think so, and I respect that. I just know it in my inmost being, I hear Him speak. Some might call that schizophrenia. :) But I really do hear voices, down deep in my heart. It isn't audible, it's a spirit thing, but I cannot deny it. He is there, and He loves me. He loves you too, dear reader.
I worry too much about my purpose. I don't want to squander talents. But I am going to leave that alone for a bit and keep it simple: Love God and love people. I've had a hard time loving people. Come to find out, it's because I wasn't loving God very well. Seems when I get that right, the people thing follows naturally. I try hard to fix things. I am a fixer, a nurturer, I want everyone to be okay and happy. But I have no power to do that. God does, so I go to Him, over and over. Only He heals, only He can intervene into our myopic worlds and provide whatever that thing is that we need most, and usually it's unconditional love.
I actually start to die, spiritually and physically, when I am not connected to Him intimately. In His presence is fullness of joy, joy that shines bright, even in a darkened room.
This post is not exactly cohesive, but it is sincere. These are the current thoughts of my heart.
~Amy xo
Lately, I have been feeling so GOOD. I am so grateful for that. I have a tendency to overdo it when I am feeling good; I've been in my bed for nearly three years and now, all of a sudden, I am up and all over the place! I need to pace myself, I guess, but I just want to jump for JOY! The doctors say I have an incurable disease but it sure doesn't feel that way right now.
Sometimes I think I come here, or write in my gazillion journals, because I have so many words that they spill out, and honestly, I think they are a little overwhelming for my dear Trever. It's like I have mania all of a sudden. A holy fool. But it is like fire within me; I have to get it out lest I burn up and am consumed.
God is real. I know a lot of people don't think so, and I respect that. I just know it in my inmost being, I hear Him speak. Some might call that schizophrenia. :) But I really do hear voices, down deep in my heart. It isn't audible, it's a spirit thing, but I cannot deny it. He is there, and He loves me. He loves you too, dear reader.
I worry too much about my purpose. I don't want to squander talents. But I am going to leave that alone for a bit and keep it simple: Love God and love people. I've had a hard time loving people. Come to find out, it's because I wasn't loving God very well. Seems when I get that right, the people thing follows naturally. I try hard to fix things. I am a fixer, a nurturer, I want everyone to be okay and happy. But I have no power to do that. God does, so I go to Him, over and over. Only He heals, only He can intervene into our myopic worlds and provide whatever that thing is that we need most, and usually it's unconditional love.
I actually start to die, spiritually and physically, when I am not connected to Him intimately. In His presence is fullness of joy, joy that shines bright, even in a darkened room.
This post is not exactly cohesive, but it is sincere. These are the current thoughts of my heart.
~Amy xo
Tuesday, August 4, 2015
August 4th, 2015
So I have RA. Most of you know that, most of you know what that means, and how debilitating it has been for me. But today I wish to share the benefits of sickness, though I admit they only come through relationship with Jesus. Being sick has caused me to lean heavily on Him, to choose to praise Him on the good day right alongside the tough day, to always search for something to be grateful for and always, always be able to find it.
Last week I met with a pain control doctor who took me off of some medications and put me on a couple of new ones. I was astonished at how quickly they have made me so much more functional, given me so much more energy and drive, and so much less pain. I am so grateful.
And just as all this is happening, my dad discovered that a cyst he had removed a few weeks back came back from pathology positive for melanoma. He's going to have to be opened back up, miss more work, and have them search thoroughly to see if the cancer cells have spread any place else. His attitude is almost unbelievably positive. I asked him about this and he gave me a lot to think about.
My Father believes strongly in the power of our words; that we can use them to build up or tear down, to speak life or death. He is determined to speak life, and suggested a couple of books for me to read so I can get on the same page with Him. I bought both books and am about halfway through the first. It's a lot to take in, but it is clear from a biblical perspective that the tongue, and all the words that come from it, are very important to God. As I was reading through one particular section, I found myself offering prayers of repentance. I've made those mistakes, over and over, without realizing the extent of damage I was creating or how I was distancing myself relationally from God.
That's what's on my mind tonight, while I am up far too late (it's past 2 am here) thinking about my children's first day in public schools tomorrow morning. We are now a bit of a mixed bag. Andrew wants to finish his senior year at home in order to continue working part time, Riley, Dylan and Josiah want to try out the sports programs and extra-curriculars the schools offer, and little Owen is starting Kindergarten, which he will love. I;m homeschooling Libby, Justice and Aiden to get them caught up in reading and math. And of course Ella Grace is 3, so she will stay with me too. We just decided to do what we thought was best for each child, and they are not all cookie cutters, so we have some different things happening all at once. I think after a week or two, we will have settled into a routine and it'll all be good.
Our trips to California and Kentucky were hard, but good. I am glad I went. The day we went boating was my favorite day. There is something thrilling about watching your kids learn to get up on water skiis.
I have other things to add but I'm too tired to add it here. Maybe I will try to make this another month where I write {something} every day. We shall see. I may be too busy watching soaps and eating Bon-Bons. ;)
Your heavy-lidded friend,
Amy
Last week I met with a pain control doctor who took me off of some medications and put me on a couple of new ones. I was astonished at how quickly they have made me so much more functional, given me so much more energy and drive, and so much less pain. I am so grateful.
And just as all this is happening, my dad discovered that a cyst he had removed a few weeks back came back from pathology positive for melanoma. He's going to have to be opened back up, miss more work, and have them search thoroughly to see if the cancer cells have spread any place else. His attitude is almost unbelievably positive. I asked him about this and he gave me a lot to think about.
My Father believes strongly in the power of our words; that we can use them to build up or tear down, to speak life or death. He is determined to speak life, and suggested a couple of books for me to read so I can get on the same page with Him. I bought both books and am about halfway through the first. It's a lot to take in, but it is clear from a biblical perspective that the tongue, and all the words that come from it, are very important to God. As I was reading through one particular section, I found myself offering prayers of repentance. I've made those mistakes, over and over, without realizing the extent of damage I was creating or how I was distancing myself relationally from God.
That's what's on my mind tonight, while I am up far too late (it's past 2 am here) thinking about my children's first day in public schools tomorrow morning. We are now a bit of a mixed bag. Andrew wants to finish his senior year at home in order to continue working part time, Riley, Dylan and Josiah want to try out the sports programs and extra-curriculars the schools offer, and little Owen is starting Kindergarten, which he will love. I;m homeschooling Libby, Justice and Aiden to get them caught up in reading and math. And of course Ella Grace is 3, so she will stay with me too. We just decided to do what we thought was best for each child, and they are not all cookie cutters, so we have some different things happening all at once. I think after a week or two, we will have settled into a routine and it'll all be good.
Our trips to California and Kentucky were hard, but good. I am glad I went. The day we went boating was my favorite day. There is something thrilling about watching your kids learn to get up on water skiis.
I have other things to add but I'm too tired to add it here. Maybe I will try to make this another month where I write {something} every day. We shall see. I may be too busy watching soaps and eating Bon-Bons. ;)
Your heavy-lidded friend,
Amy
Sunday, July 12, 2015
July 12, 2015
This year, I have challenged myself to read at least 30 books. Originally, I was going to be optimistic and go for 50. I am still hoping to read 50, but I am saying I WILL read 30. Anything over that will be bonus.
Anyhow, I have now completed 17, and it's nearly the end of July. I didn't get off to a very good start the first half of the year, and honestly, I have no good excuses because mainly I was laying in bed, ill. I spent way too much time reading the news or the trashy little articles all over Facebook to get any serious reading done. I made a second mistake of choosing excellent books that just happened to be extremely long. Take Les Miserables, for instance. That book is a brick!
Middlemarch is another I have picked out, also huge. I wanted to read Little Women with Liberty, also ginormous.
I'm not at loss for great books, but if I set a lofty goal for an impressively large amount of books read, I would do myself a favor picking out some shorter ones to throw in with the lot.
I am currently reading Newton On The Christian Life, by Tony Reinke. I am 40 or so pages in and it is quite good, but it is one of those books where there are loads of footnotes, and my OCD won't allow me to ignore a single one of them, so it is slow going. But I am hoping *fingers crossed* to be done before we leave for our trip on Thursday. I want to bring along my Kindle and very little else, bookwise. I don't want to make my luggage unnecessarily heavy.
I am not a good packer in general, but I am going to do my best this time around. Unfortunately I have to allot a rather largish space in my bag for my prescription medications. What an annoyance. Still, things will certainly be worse if I leave them behind, so they must come along. We will be able to do laundry while we are there so I need not pack too many clothes.
The children are all looking forward to having their grandmother come and stay with them while Trever and I are away. I am hoping the traveling will not entirely knacker me out. I must remember to drink strong, caffeinated beverages, loads of water, and look for any opportunity to nap or use the loo. This sounds to me like a Solid Plan.
I do hope we can squeeze in a trip to the beach. I have missed the sand and water of the Pacific Ocean like it is part of my DNA that has been snatched away from me somewhere around Texas. Living on the East Coast, there are many beautiful and lovely things, but I confess I greatly miss the West Coast. You never really get over being a valley girl. Like, totally.
Amy
Anyhow, I have now completed 17, and it's nearly the end of July. I didn't get off to a very good start the first half of the year, and honestly, I have no good excuses because mainly I was laying in bed, ill. I spent way too much time reading the news or the trashy little articles all over Facebook to get any serious reading done. I made a second mistake of choosing excellent books that just happened to be extremely long. Take Les Miserables, for instance. That book is a brick!
Middlemarch is another I have picked out, also huge. I wanted to read Little Women with Liberty, also ginormous.
I'm not at loss for great books, but if I set a lofty goal for an impressively large amount of books read, I would do myself a favor picking out some shorter ones to throw in with the lot.
I am currently reading Newton On The Christian Life, by Tony Reinke. I am 40 or so pages in and it is quite good, but it is one of those books where there are loads of footnotes, and my OCD won't allow me to ignore a single one of them, so it is slow going. But I am hoping *fingers crossed* to be done before we leave for our trip on Thursday. I want to bring along my Kindle and very little else, bookwise. I don't want to make my luggage unnecessarily heavy.
I am not a good packer in general, but I am going to do my best this time around. Unfortunately I have to allot a rather largish space in my bag for my prescription medications. What an annoyance. Still, things will certainly be worse if I leave them behind, so they must come along. We will be able to do laundry while we are there so I need not pack too many clothes.
The children are all looking forward to having their grandmother come and stay with them while Trever and I are away. I am hoping the traveling will not entirely knacker me out. I must remember to drink strong, caffeinated beverages, loads of water, and look for any opportunity to nap or use the loo. This sounds to me like a Solid Plan.
I do hope we can squeeze in a trip to the beach. I have missed the sand and water of the Pacific Ocean like it is part of my DNA that has been snatched away from me somewhere around Texas. Living on the East Coast, there are many beautiful and lovely things, but I confess I greatly miss the West Coast. You never really get over being a valley girl. Like, totally.
Amy
Saturday, June 27, 2015
The Busy Begins
We have been so jam-packed crazy busy with activity that lately writing here has taken a bit of a back seat. I've not even checked much on Facebook, but I hear it is going on, quite without me.
We just had friends whom knew from when we lived in Texas fifteen years ago come out to visit for a few days, and they just left yesterday. It is always fun to be able to take newbies around this big, bright historical place. We tried a local Savannah restaurant which is famous for their excellent craft beer, and I think I had one too many, not recalling the alcoholic content being so much higher than any typical beers. We went too Jekyll Island for a beach day and we all got a little sunburndt; Justice got the brunt of it, but well all got red and blistery and I got a ginormous fever blister that makes my bottom look like a collagen injection procedure gone very wrong.
Today, my mother drove up to see us for a day or two, and brought Ryan and Chrissy along. Ryan is growing on me. He is very odd and peculiar to me, but it is no longer uncomfortable and he seems to have a gentle, tender spirit.
They leave tomorrow around 6:00 p.m. I haven't a clue what we will do tomorrow.
I want to stay in bed all day and read. I am currently reading Still, by Lauren Winner. It is very, very good. I'm saving Les Miserables for rainy days. I'm only a couple hundred pages in but it is coming along bit by bit. When I am feel too swollen to open my book up, I listen to audio books, or music; something even sermons. I told the worship leader I would sing this Sunday, so I am trying to rest from the time my mom and crew leave- which means early dinner and very early bed time.
Monday I have my pre-op and Tuesday will be my surgery. I hope they find whatever is wrong and can fix it. I get tired of feeling so sick and limited. But it is what it is and really, it's true, God's grace is sufficient.
It's quite late so off I go. I'm sure to have more time to sit in from of this screen and write bout some of the things that are on my heart very soon.
Thanks for stopping by, pushing the clean laundry aside that I just haven't gotten a chance to get to just yet, and listening to my ramblings.
If you have anything you'd like to share, or have prayer requests, please put them in the comment box below. I read them all myself.
With Love,
Amy
We just had friends whom knew from when we lived in Texas fifteen years ago come out to visit for a few days, and they just left yesterday. It is always fun to be able to take newbies around this big, bright historical place. We tried a local Savannah restaurant which is famous for their excellent craft beer, and I think I had one too many, not recalling the alcoholic content being so much higher than any typical beers. We went too Jekyll Island for a beach day and we all got a little sunburndt; Justice got the brunt of it, but well all got red and blistery and I got a ginormous fever blister that makes my bottom look like a collagen injection procedure gone very wrong.
Today, my mother drove up to see us for a day or two, and brought Ryan and Chrissy along. Ryan is growing on me. He is very odd and peculiar to me, but it is no longer uncomfortable and he seems to have a gentle, tender spirit.
They leave tomorrow around 6:00 p.m. I haven't a clue what we will do tomorrow.
I want to stay in bed all day and read. I am currently reading Still, by Lauren Winner. It is very, very good. I'm saving Les Miserables for rainy days. I'm only a couple hundred pages in but it is coming along bit by bit. When I am feel too swollen to open my book up, I listen to audio books, or music; something even sermons. I told the worship leader I would sing this Sunday, so I am trying to rest from the time my mom and crew leave- which means early dinner and very early bed time.
Monday I have my pre-op and Tuesday will be my surgery. I hope they find whatever is wrong and can fix it. I get tired of feeling so sick and limited. But it is what it is and really, it's true, God's grace is sufficient.
It's quite late so off I go. I'm sure to have more time to sit in from of this screen and write bout some of the things that are on my heart very soon.
Thanks for stopping by, pushing the clean laundry aside that I just haven't gotten a chance to get to just yet, and listening to my ramblings.
If you have anything you'd like to share, or have prayer requests, please put them in the comment box below. I read them all myself.
With Love,
Amy
Monday, May 25, 2015
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