At times, I feel like a walking contradiction. It can be one of the most aggravating things I struggle with. Some have tried to be kind about it, calling it "quirky". My family has occasionally blamed my idiosyncrasies on a "extreme" personality. Whatever the reason, it is something that, as of late, I am determined to get some control over.
As a way of explanation, I will indulge you with a small smattering of situations I regularly find myself in...
I decide I need to be careful about money. I need to be on a budget. So I will clip coupons, buy all generic brands, even drive my car without accelerating too quickly (which wastes gas, after all!). I scrutinize labels, figure out which stores have the best sales on what items, and generally go without all kinds of things I would buy if I were not being so money-conscious. And yet, I would spend $5 at Starbucks for a latte. Twice or three times a week, if I could get away with it. It makes no sense.
I decide I need to lose weight. So I buy low-fat, low-calorie foods. I start exercising. I practice portion control. I make sure to drink more water, and less high calorie beverages. But then I get a box of See's candies in the mail from my dad and eat the whole thing within a day or two. And, I confess, although it is very easy for me to pass up side items like fries or desserts, I truly struggle not getting the fat-loaded double cheeseburger. With bacon. What is up with that?!?!?
I find a book I simply MUST have. I order it right away, and get expedited shipping. But when it arrives, rather than reading it right away, it sits on my shelf for months before I get to it... if ever. Or, if I am avoiding BUYING books, I might find several amazing books from my library, and check them out. But then I don't find time, so I renew them. Or, worse, I accrue late fees. And then take them back- unread.
I often start projects and fail to complete them. I hate that. I get irritated with myself on a regular basis for not being more faithful to journal. I see the spans of time in between my entries and cringe. Especially when I bought a pretty, new journal hoping to inspire myself to write in it more.
I think of amazing things to make my family and friends for gifts, and may even go purchase the materials, but then run out of steam and end up buying something else last minute.
The good thing about all this is I am learning to be more practical about my expectations.
The bad thing is, well, everything else.
I was recently reading my Bible (one of the many things I wish I did MUCH more) and saw a term I think applies: Double-mindedness. And the Bible says a double-minded man is unstable in all his ways. Isn't that the truth???
I want to focus specifically on being more single-minded. I find myself regularly frustrated by so many things piling up, and think I need to go back to basics in a lot of areas in my life. I am sure to stumble around a bit in the process, but I want to follow Christ. In every area of my life. So I think I will just let Him deal with me, a little at a time, as He sees fit. Because honestly, my attempts at self-improvement have not been super productive up to this point. And I am willing to let Him take over. I hear He has amazing success stories. :)