This is the blog post in which I tell you that today I am not the least bit motivated, inspired or inspiring, and not feeling of much use to anyone. Mostly I just feel bone tired.
I have not shared this before with my readers, or really with much of anyone other than my closest family members and friends. I don't talk about this much because, well, first of all I tend to be a very private person. And secondly, because I want to motivate and inspire, and not the opposite...
I recently discovered I have hypothyroidism. And while I am now taking medication for it, it has been a major struggle to find the right dosage. In the meantime, I am dealing with weight fluctuations, pallor, frequent relapses of infections as my immune system is weakened, hair loss and a myriad of other symptoms, the worst of which being extreme exhaustion and fatigue. To top it off, I am anemic.
To illustrate how exhausted I am, I can tell you that the simple act of shampooing my hair makes my arms ache and carrying a basket of laundry from one side of the house to the other leaves me completely out of breath. This is so terribly frustrating because I am surrounded by eight beautiful children who deserve a vibrant, healthy mama who can run and play and do all sorts of other things with them. And I am just worn out.
I keep telling myself it will get better. I am feeling some better now that I am taking medication. But oh! how discouraging it can be to want to do so much and not be able to do much of anything and to feel like you are failing all the ones you love the most.
This is not to say I am not learning a great deal about my character and God is truly teaching me to let go, release, rest in Him, be content with such things as I have, not to worry. I am learning to pray, really pray, for the first time in my life. More than just "saying my prayers" before meals and sleep, my whole life is turning into a prayer.
I am also learning compassion and empathy and that a gentle word of encouragement, a kind touch, a helping hand does wonders. It is so important not to feel alone, not to feel as though you do not matter. Even a simple note, a phone call, a wee gift in the mail, a casserole for supper, these love offerings display the truest love. The love that is not simply words, but is proven in deeds.
Jesus tells us we are to practice true religion and that means taking care of and visiting the sick, the prisoners, providing for widows and orphans. Christianity is not all about what you believe, it is about who you are, and what you DO.
My truest hope is that this is not something that burdens anyone, and that a bit of truth about my personal life will not cause anyone to think less of me, but I truly want my writing to be real. I am more and more convinced the Lord is telling me that in order to write anything that really touches anyone, it must be real. Words can be empty, vain. I want to share my life, and I hope in my brokenness He is shown to be strong, beautiful.
I am thankful for each one of you, friends, family, readers who faithfully encourage me. I read many of your blogs and pray for you as I lie in bed or soak sore joints in hot bath water. I may be silly, simple- but I feel a sense of communion with you all. In Him we live and move and have our being. His body, made up of believers, is truly magnificent.
To Him be all the Glory.