Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Spiritual Rogaine

I have eight beautiful children and an awesome husband.

I can't remember the last time I went anywhere by myself (including the bathroom).

So it doesn't always make sense that sometimes, I am still lonely.

But I am.

Not always. But sometimes. Sometimes I think about how I don't get to spend very much time with my girlfriends. Because honestly, I have some of the most amazing girlfriends EVER. Sometimes I miss them. Sometimes I think if I could just be with them more, I would be happy.

Sometimes I miss my grandparents. They died 15 years ago, and I still miss them. Regularly. I have friends who still have their grandparents, and while I am happy for them, if I were being honest I would tell you it makes me a little jealous sometimes.

Sometimes I get to thinking about family- the relationships that are good and the ones that are dysfunctional. I wish I could have normal, happy relationships with all of them. I know it doesn't have much to do with me at all, but sometimes I think, "Hey! You're really missing out not knowing us, because we are one stinkin' awesome family!"

Some of my family thinks we are incredibly irresponsible for having eight children. Some of them have gone months without talking to us after we have announced a pregnancy, and others just can't seem to find anything kind in their heart to say about it. I don't really understand that, because after all, it's a baby we're talking about! Babies are exciting and deserve to be welcomed and celebrated, right? Whether you agree with our lifestyle or not, you can stick to the say-something-nice-or-don't-say-anything-at-all rule. Or, fake it. Just plaster on a smile and say congratulations. I'm ok with that, too. I don't see why it can be so hard to be happy for someone else when they are happy.

*sigh*

Sometimes, I really, really, really, REALLY wish we had a good church home. I want fellowship with like-minded believers so bad it aches sometimes. It isn't for lack of trying, but sometimes, in the South, it can be pretty hard finding a church where you feel you belong.

There are times I long for, pine after, pray for- a mentor. You know that whole Titus thing about the older women teaching the younger? I want that. I'd love to learn from an older, godly woman! Where are they all hiding, I'd like to know? I know I am not the only young(ish) woman that feels this way.

Sometimes I think if my mom or sister lived closer, or if Trever's mom were closer by, then Trever and I could go out every once in a while and have date nights. Every couple needs date nights, right? Because I'm just sure that would make us happier.

Well, maybe not.

I mean, all in all, I AM pretty happy.

But I have to admit, there is that part of me that craves relationships, that can get sad about what isn't and feel dissatisfied at times by what is.

Because the truth is, the only one who can fill up all those bare spots in my heart is Jesus.

I don't know why I sometimes avoid the Bible, sometimes I don't feel like praying, sometimes worship songs feel empty or hollow, but I do know that every. single. time. I reach out to God, He fills me up.

Sometimes I feel like a runner. Ok. You got me. I am assuming this analogy is a good one, because really, I don't run. Ever, if I can help it. I mean, I sometimes run after a kid who's about to stick a fork in a light socket or a dumb dog that thinks running into the street makes life worth living or a two year old who thinks Vick's Vapor Rub makes a good hair gel. Then, I run.

I run when I see that our 3 and 5 year olds are about to use our newly-painted walls (again!) as the canvas for their artwork. And I realize that if I use one more Mr Clean Eraser, that whatever chemical causes them to work so magically is most likely going to seep into my skin and cause some kind of fatal illness. That is not the way I'd like to go down, thank you very much.

But, in this case, I am talking about the way a runner, after running for a while, gets into their zone. They work out all the kinks, get their breathing down, and actually enjoy the run.

I feel this way with the Bible and prayer sometimes. I don't always feel like doing it. Sometimes I start and well, frankly I'm still not feeling it. But as I push myself to go on, I hit that groove. I actually enjoy it. I fellowship with God.

And knowing that encourages me to do it even when I don't feel like it.

I need to. Because those bare spots can feel pretty big sometimes.

The thing is, anything else I try to do about the bare spots is just a bad temporary fix. Kinda like when you put a really bad toupee on a bald person. When you see this, you know it just looks ridiculous and so you try really hard to look directly into the person's eyes and not look at it. You're thinking, "Yikes! Who are they kidding? Don't they see how embarrasing that is?"

I need spiritual Rogaine. Not a toupee.

Jesus is like that. (And this is where I feel crazy unspiritual for comparing the Savior of my soul to a hair re-growth product. But hopefully, you know what I mean.)

Jesus fills in all those bare spots in my soul.

And being full feels good.



linking up today with Ann
holy experience

8 comments:

  1. Good analogy - He does indeed fill in all of the bare spots! I like the look of you blog - and hope that today you find peace and joy!

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  2. Yes, Yes, Yes, Yes, AND YES!!!! I was *just* thinking a few days ago...How can a person be in a room of friends, children, ect. and still feel so lonely?? Not only that, but OH to have more like-minded people!!!! (Not that I don't LOVE the ones that are ;P, but to have even a couple more would be glorious would it not?!) Having no true place to fit in...gets discouraging! It's even worse when family, those who are to love us no matter what, don't get it and therefore act harshly as well...But I have found what you've stated today! When I get to this place, there is ONE person (besides my sweet husband) that simply loves me for me! That will comfort and listen as I spill anger and frustration, and weep in sadness.I can almost FEEL his comforting pat on the back, and the reasurance that 'He will give me strenth to go on'. That in the wonderful moments, it's almost like I can FEEL the warmth of His smile and His gentle 'Well Done!' Like you I am not always wanting to be reading His word like I should..actually fell out of the practice and am trying to get back in as we speak...

    I love you! (And I am glad Jesus is your 'Rogaine' as He is mine as well!)

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  3. PS (Where ARE the older godly women?? *sigh*)

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  4. Hey Amy. Love your new look and that is one of my favorite songs! I found a Titus 2 woman finally. Guess where? She is a certified counselor that lives 8 hours away. I called her on the phone two years ago and she has been discipling me since! Praise God.

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  5. Praying that you find just a couple of kindred spirit friends and a church home for your heart.

    Happy fall!

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  6. I love the analogy. Sometimes I feel the loneliness/lack of relationship, too. I am trying to do better at noticing what I do have in that area and be better at putting myself out there...

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  7. I know exactly what you mean about those bare spots. Not having family around is hard. And prayer can be really hard to get into sometimes.
    My prayers have got shorter and shorter as I've got older, or maybe just more busy :)
    Praying you find a mentor and a church family Amy.
    Blessings
    ~suzy

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