I can't remember the last time I went anywhere by myself (including the bathroom).
So it doesn't always make sense that sometimes, I am still lonely.
But I am.
Not always. But sometimes. Sometimes I think about how I don't get to spend very much time with my girlfriends. Because honestly, I have some of the most amazing girlfriends EVER. Sometimes I miss them. Sometimes I think if I could just be with them more, I would be happy.
Sometimes I miss my grandparents. They died 15 years ago, and I still miss them. Regularly. I have friends who still have their grandparents, and while I am happy for them, if I were being honest I would tell you it makes me a little jealous sometimes.
Sometimes I get to thinking about family- the relationships that are good and the ones that are dysfunctional. I wish I could have normal, happy relationships with all of them. I know it doesn't have much to do with me at all, but sometimes I think, "Hey! You're really missing out not knowing us, because we are one stinkin' awesome family!"
Some of my family thinks we are incredibly irresponsible for having eight children. Some of them have gone months without talking to us after we have announced a pregnancy, and others just can't seem to find anything kind in their heart to say about it. I don't really understand that, because after all, it's a baby we're talking about! Babies are exciting and deserve to be welcomed and celebrated, right? Whether you agree with our lifestyle or not, you can stick to the say-something-nice-or-don't-say-anything-at-all rule. Or, fake it. Just plaster on a smile and say congratulations. I'm ok with that, too. I don't see why it can be so hard to be happy for someone else when they are happy.
Sometimes, I really, really, really, REALLY wish we had a good church home. I want fellowship with like-minded believers so bad it aches sometimes. It isn't for lack of trying, but sometimes, in the South, it can be pretty hard finding a church where you feel you belong.
There are times I long for, pine after, pray for- a mentor. You know that whole Titus thing about the older women teaching the younger? I want that. I'd love to learn from an older, godly woman! Where are they all hiding, I'd like to know? I know I am not the only young(ish) woman that feels this way.
Sometimes I think if my mom or sister lived closer, or if Trever's mom were closer by, then Trever and I could go out every once in a while and have date nights. Every couple needs date nights, right? Because I'm just sure that would make us happier.
Well, maybe not.
I mean, all in all, I AM pretty happy.
But I have to admit, there is that part of me that craves relationships, that can get sad about what isn't and feel dissatisfied at times by what is.
Because the truth is, the only one who can fill up all those bare spots in my heart is Jesus.
I don't know why I sometimes avoid the Bible, sometimes I don't feel like praying, sometimes worship songs feel empty or hollow, but I do know that every. single. time. I reach out to God, He fills me up.
Sometimes I feel like a runner. Ok. You got me. I am assuming this analogy is a good one, because really, I don't run. Ever, if I can help it. I mean, I sometimes run after a kid who's about to stick a fork in a light socket or a dumb dog that thinks running into the street makes life worth living or a two year old who thinks Vick's Vapor Rub makes a good hair gel. Then, I run.
I run when I see that our 3 and 5 year olds are about to use our newly-painted walls (again!) as the canvas for their artwork. And I realize that if I use one more Mr Clean Eraser, that whatever chemical causes them to work so magically is most likely going to seep into my skin and cause some kind of fatal illness. That is not the way I'd like to go down, thank you very much.
But, in this case, I am talking about the way a runner, after running for a while, gets into their zone. They work out all the kinks, get their breathing down, and actually enjoy the run.
I feel this way with the Bible and prayer sometimes. I don't always feel like doing it. Sometimes I start and well, frankly I'm still not feeling it. But as I push myself to go on, I hit that groove. I actually enjoy it. I fellowship with God.
And knowing that encourages me to do it even when I don't feel like it.
I need to. Because those bare spots can feel pretty big sometimes.
The thing is, anything else I try to do about the bare spots is just a bad temporary fix. Kinda like when you put a really bad toupee on a bald person. When you see this, you know it just looks ridiculous and so you try really hard to look directly into the person's eyes and not look at it. You're thinking, "Yikes! Who are they kidding? Don't they see how embarrasing that is?"
I need spiritual Rogaine. Not a toupee.
Jesus is like that. (And this is where I feel crazy unspiritual for comparing the Savior of my soul to a hair re-growth product. But hopefully, you know what I mean.)
Jesus fills in all those bare spots in my soul.
And being full feels good.
linking up today with Ann