Monday, October 24, 2011

From My Heart

I haven't been online much lately. Occasionally I pop on for a few minutes to check email, facebook messages and to read a blog or two I frequent. But really, I haven't much felt like spending time on the computer.

I've thought of coming here, several times, and writing about what's been going on. But I suppose I haven't much felt like doing that either.

The truth is, I haven't been feeling very good. Nausea and vomiting are two of my least favorite companions. And they've been hanging out a lot lately.

Plus, I've had these weird new symptoms crop up. Rapid heartbeat (my resting heartbeat is usually above 100 beats per minute), palpitations, weakness in my legs and arms, raised temperatures... The thing is, when you have had as many health issues as I have had over the last year, you tend to just assume it is related to one of your other problems and you just plan to mention it to your doctor the next time you see him/her, but other than that, you just kind of move on.

Well, my thyroid blood work came back indicating hyperthyroidism. HyPERthyroidism?? I mean, I've been treated for hyPOthyroidism in the past, but to suddenly develop hyperthyroidism seems odd. At first, I assumed the blood work had to have been off. That was before I did a little research and discovered that most of my new symptoms were symptoms of hyperthyroidism.

So, I saw my primary care physician today, who went over my lab results and then decided it would be best, especially since I am pregnant, to refer me to an endocrinologist. I find this terribly ironic, since my midwife tried to refer me to an endocrinologist last year, before I even went to the rheumatologist, but that particular endocrinoligst refused to see me. Too busy.

So, hopefully this time around, I'll get referred to a doctor who will see me, and hopefully it will happen soon. It would be awesome to start feeling better.

I am wondering if my issue is actually with the thyroid itself, or if it is a problem that stems from the adrenal glands or the pituitary gland. If it is any of those things, the endocrinologist is the right guy to see.

And while I am scared to get my hopes up, the prospect of being properly diagnosed and treated sounds pretty amazing.

On other fronts, I am nearing the end of my first trimester of pregnancy. The nausea is letting up some. And, most importantly, the baby seems to be doing just fine. I am so grateful for that.

I've been doing a lot of reading lately. I'd like to do more journaling, but sometimes that is a challenge, since I still journal the old fashioned way- by writing, with a pen, in a journal. And on days when my hands and wrists hurt, though my mind wants to write, my body does not. This has drastically cut down my letter writing as well, which makes me sad. I do so love getting a letter in the mail, and I love to send them to others as well. Perhaps soon.

My husband is amazing. He takes such good care of me and does all sorts of extra things he should not have to do because I currently can not do them. All of the children are well, enjoying their new AWANA classes and plugging away at their schoolwork. Andrew has made excellent progress in his current math course.

Our dogs are driving me crazy.

And the weather has changed from hot and humid to cool and crisp. I couldn't be happier about that. In fact, it got cool enough this past weekend that Trever dug out my electric blanket for me. I've been drinking hot tea in bed in the evenings, under my toasty blanket. Hot bath and showers help massage away stiff, achy joints. Really, I can't complain. I have so very much to be thankful for.

I have struggled lately with wanting to do so much more than I physically can. I read amazing books like Kisses From Katie, and I wish that I too could bless the least of these with the love of Jesus. Today, I could barely walk from the doctor's examining room to the receptionist's desk. My heart was pounding through my chest and it felt as though my heart would explode. I began breaking out in a cold sweat and felt I was going to pass out.

It's a frustrating contradiction I live in: Mild exercise is good for several of my conditions. I *WANT* to exercise! To take a walk with my husband or go with my children to the park... but when I try to do anything of the sort, I am met with limitations. Weakness, heart issues, pain. Sometimes, when I am feeling particularly weak, I don't even attempt to take a shower without Trever being home. There have been times I have taken a shower and gotten to weak, I've had to sit down in the bathtub. And when the R.A. is particularly flared up, getting out of the bath tub is incredibly difficult. It concerns me to think of getting myself into that situation when Trever is at work. So I often just wait for him to be home.

It's just a new way of thinking. I never before had to think about taking bathing precautions. Actually, I tried to time all my showers before Trever got home from work, so I smelled and looked nice when he arrived.

I wish I could say that I am always positive and focused on the Lord. The truth is, lately I've been particularly annoyed with friends and family members who seem to want to only focus on the good side. I feel like it doesn't validate what I am going through. Because what I am going through is HARD. I struggle. I've snapped at my poor mother on more than one occasion when she tells me that God is going to heal me completely. I've been negative and snappish about other things as well. I know she wants to believe this and I know she loves me and only wants my best. I guess I just feel like I am hurting NOW, I am struggling NOW....

Don't get me wrong, if God chooses to cure me of all this mess, I would be THRILLED. But I guess I feel like I need to focus on living NOW, here, with things as they are. As my spiritual mentor Amy Carmichael says, "In acceptance lieth peace." And so many people look at acceptance as giving up, as defeat. Yet I know of no other way to find joy in the present.


So I'm letting out a big sigh and turning again to God, trusting. I'm looking for all the ways He blesses me, every day. I'm searching for the ways I *can* bless others, even here, in this condition. I'm spending some time in self-examination, surrendering all those ugly areas of my heart to Him once again, asking for forgiveness, for cleansing, and allowing Him to turn ashes into beauty.

And if you've read all the way to here, thank you, kind friends, for your interest in my life and my journey. I suppose all those weeks of not being able to write with a pen has caused this blog post to be a bit long, and resembling a journal entry more than a little.

May all the circumstances of our life causes us to live deeper, more loving lives.

In Jesus,

~amy danielle

9 comments:

  1. Here now, reading and listening. I'm sorry for the long, hard journey, for the frustration and the weariness. Hold fast, my friend, continue on in faith. We are here with you holding up your arms in prayer.

    much love.

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  2. Hi Amy: I was just thanking God for my health yesterday...there are SO many people around me with so many health issues and then I read your post and I am reminded of how much we who have no health issues take this for granted.

    I was just saying to my friend the other day that I couldn't imagine being sick all the time, fighting nausea or great pain and still having to go to work or work at home......So please know that our prayers are with you. Mine are for sure. I won't bother to say anything trite. I know how that sounds when you are suffering.

    In Jesus love, Lori

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  3. Thank you so much for sharing the ins and outs of life for you these days.

    I'm so sorry for what you're going through and new symptoms... plugh.

    I'm so thankful that your baby is growing well.

    I'm experiencing the same thing with my hands & wrists and trying to journal... My handwriting looks different at times, but now and then I just have to write. It's such a vital part of how I process & think.

    I'm so thankful for you, my friend. And that I can be part of your life. I'd love to send you snail mail. FB msg me your address?

    My current thoughts on healing: http://livelifeartfully.blogspot.com/2011/10/thoughts-on-healing.html

    Thinking of you today, my Sister in Christ.

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  4. I'm much better at the glass half-empty. I think I'm driving my spouse mad with it these days! But I don't think it's your default setting at all. When it's hard for you, it must really behard. Be carried. Be loved.

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  5. Mags- thanks for your sweet thoughts on my *default settings*. Made me smile. I think of that verse in Romans that admonishes us to rejoice with those who rejoice and weep with those who weep... I suppose there is a time for everything. xo

    And Jen- yes, I read your blog post on your thoughts about healing when you wrote it. I can completely relate. Completely. Thankful for you too, sweet friend. Will fb message you.

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  6. Oh, and to Tonia and Lori- thank you, sweet friends. Love to you both, and gratefulness for your continued prayers. xo

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  7. sorry for your pain, Amy. And I'm thankful with you that all is well with the baby. I hope and pray that one day you will be fully delivered from this suffering.

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  8. Amy, this is Rie at JustCallMeRie. For some reason your comment box won't take my profile.

    I've missed alot on the computer lately, too. So sorry I'm behind in what is going on with you.

    I will be praying. And acceptance is not defeat, you are right. And only in acceptance can we begin to find peace.

    I will pray for your healing. I will pray for your family and new precious baby. I will pray for your mom who hurts for you.

    I will pray God's will.

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  9. Thank you, Rie, for your prayers. I appreciate them so very much. xx

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