Thursday, March 1, 2012

A Simple Lent

It seems time is speeding up. It is hard to believe that it is already March 1st.

Lent is well on it's way, and I admit, I have not given it much thought this year. I read several lovely blogs that seem very spiritually alert to the season, and it reminds me of things going on outside of my little world, in the universal church...

But here, I have just been feeling tired. I am now in my third trimester of pregnancy. It seems a little bit surreal that we will soon be meeting our daughter, who, I believe, we will be naming Lydia Grace.

Trever has picked up another part time job and sometimes works very late hours. It takes a little adjusting, going to bed without having him home when I am {thankfully} used to having him home every night. I think back on all the months he was away when he was in the military {once for 15 months at a time!} and this helps me to keep perspective.

I have a whole stack of books sitting on my nightstand, and I really do want to read them all, though I find my progress is slow, because I get tired out very quickly. Sometimes, I have to stop in the middle of a chapter when I find I have to go back and read the same passage over and over, because I am simply spacing out and not retaining what I am reading.

I am still working on that sweet little blanket I am making for my daughter, though the progress there has been slow as well, because my hands will occasionally ache and swell if I work at it for too long. I need breaks.

Trever took me out for a short shopping trip today and I managed to pick up a package of burp cloths, as well as a newborn outfit suitable for bringing her home in and another outfit that will suit nicely when she is a little bigger, in the warmer weather. These are the first things we have bought for our daughter. My mother has picked up a few things, and one of my dear friends has found us a few things as well, all for which I am very grateful, because we have very little in the way of girl things.

It seems ironic that parents of this many children have hardly anything for their new baby, but our lone daughter in this pack of boys will be turning seven soon. There have been three boys born since she was, and as the boys came, we started giving away the girl clothes we had saved and concentrated on boy things. Now, with a new girl gracing our home, we are sort of starting over.

Thankfully, babies do not need very much to start out with. A few things to wear, a car seat, some burp cloths and diapers, and really, that's about it. This mama doesn't feel the need for lots of contraptions. I like keeping it simple.

I admit, there are days when I worry a bit over the idea of going through labor. I feel so tired that it is hard to imagine having enough strength to get through the process. Some days, I can convince myself mentally that God will be my strength, that He will carry me through. But other days, it is harder to imagine. I would very much appreciate your prayers for me and my little one.

Fatigue and pain tie for the most challenging aspects of chronic disease. I confess, sometimes I feel a bit sorry for myself when I start wishing I could just be like any other wife or mom and run with my kids at the park or do any of the hundreds of neat projects with them that I have whirling around in my mind... or even very basic things, like being able to lay down at night and sleep. To actually sleep. To wake up refreshed and ready for another day, instead of waking up after a night of fitful, broken sleep, and wondering how I am going to make it through another day.

I know I have so many things to be grateful for. And I am. Still, being grateful does not diminish pain and struggle. No, sometimes both gratitude and pain take one of your hands each as you walk down the path. I sometimes wonder though, if those who have experienced pain {physical, emotional, spiritual} are able to more fully enter into joy. The contrast makes for such intensity, such gratitude...

I wonder sometimes too, about a God who allows pain, suffering, deformity... I mean, I know the correct theological answers. God didn't cause these things, the fall did, sin did. It's just that sometimes these answers fall flat in the face of real life tragedies. It is hard to trust what you do not understand. I suppose that is why relationship is at the heart of dependance, trust, love. And I guess it can also be said that meaningful realtionships are not always easy. They take commitment.

Even my relationship with God.

Sometimes I feel I am just going through the motions.

But there is a part of me that is simply not willing to give up because I sense that there is something worth fighting for.

That is the way I feel about my illness as well. Some days, I get caught up wondering if I will ever get better, or if I will simply continue to get worse, to deteriorate more and more. I wonder what the point is in seeing one more doctor, going to one more appointment, trying one more medication, adding one more supplement, trying one more diet change...

But then, I can't altogether give up the hope that something might just work. I might just get better. And wouldn't it be worth it? Don't I owe it to myself, to my family, to try?

It's just not in me to give up.

Not for long anyway.

So, this Lent, all I am really doing is plunging back into the gospels and trying to read them like someone who was not raised in church, who has not heard thousands of sermons and read hundreds of books on the subject, but as someone with new, fresh eyes, who is just trying to encounter a living Christ on those pages.

I am just looking for Jesus.

I told you before, I like keeping things simple. :)

~amy danielle

2 comments:

  1. "I am just looking for Jesus". How beautiful.

    My prayers are with you for rest, healing, beauty, and peace...

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  2. Dearest,

    I am praying for you. I hear your heart. All of it. I sense your pain intertwined with hope. I am praying, along with trusting in God's word that when we seek Him we fill find Him...We just need to seek with out whole heart. So, may your heart not rest until you see Jesus.

    I love you! Missing you, especially during this time..I wish I could do something more practical. xo.

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