Monday, January 12, 2015

Contentedly {longing}

The weather report suggests that it will rain every single day this week. I need not remind you I have a higher-than-average number of children, all of whom are stir-crazy from being pent up inside. Have you ever experienced that moment when you shout like a mental patient to make the shouting stop? It doesn't make much sense but it's like primal instinct. They all get extremely still and quiet for a moment, stare at me, and then resume their noise making activities, undeterred.

I'm hiding in my room and praying for nap time to get here quickly and stay longer than usual.

My chin is breaking out. I'm in my mid-thirties. This seems a cruel joke, hormones that will never, ever be subdued, not until I die. Yes, I know it's just a few chin zits, but sometimes it just feels like a Big Thing. Again, it's the dratted hormones at work. I think I ate an entire sleeve of Double Stuf Oreos last night while watching Elementary. My hips and thighs continue to expand. Sigh.

My dachshund is driving me bonkers. She has decided to live in my bed, or wherever I am, really. She follows me to wherever I've decided to sit and then insists on laying on top of me. I realize it's cold out, and she's a burrower who likes warmth, but I'm getting a little tired of having to move her around if I want to adjust myself in any manner. She has completely abandoned her doggy bed. She is undeterred by the obscene number of times I have shooed her away. She is wearing me down, and not in a good way. I imagine her much more like a 13 pound appendage rather than an actual, independent creature.

We are making a pasta fagioli recipe for dinner. I had looked up a lovely vegetarian version of this soup, but when Trever went grocery shopping, he bought ground beef. He can't imagine this dish without. Tomorrow's dinner is vegetarian, so I'm allowing it. I am trying to branch out, decreasing our consumption of meat. It's is harder than you might think, with so many hard-core carnivores in the house.

I've been using muscle-relaxers for the last few days, and I'm not convinced they are doing anything productive at all. I have knots upon knots in my trapezius muscles and they won't let up. I think they just make me slightly sleepier than usual all day long. I have a love-hate relationship with most of my meds. While I am truly grateful for the function they provide me, the relief, however temporarily, from the pain, they all come with a laundry list of side-effects and I genuinely wish I was free of them all.

I did manage to survive my friend's party. Here is proof:
That's me, on the far left.

There were loads more pictures taken, so perhaps there are more to come.

Trever and I were out past midnight for the first time in a very long while. I came home utterly spent but I had a fabulous time. I maintain my title as the karaoke champion.

We went to coffee & Jesus last  night. I'm not sure if I've talked about that much here. Basically, it began as a bunch of folks who wanted to gather to talk about Jesus and encourage one another. Perhaps some of us were burned out on church and needed a different venue to be open about the spiritual baggage they carried... I may have been one of that number. In any case, we now meet every other Sunday evening. We have a dessert and coffee, and keep the conversation casual. There's not really a formal teaching, it's more of an opportunity for each person to speak (or not), to pray, to question, to discuss, to share, to doubt if need be, to love on one another, to seek God communally, while also honoring the individual. The Sundays we don't meet here, we meet a bit more formally, and in the mornings. We are currently renting out the local cinema for this purpose. This feels like a quickly evolving group, so I've literally no idea what things will look like six months from now, but at present, I am just along for the ride.

I've been reading Fragments that Remain, a compilation of some of Amy Carmichael's letters. It isn't meant to be a page-turner, rather, it is best digested slowly. I'm just reading a couple pages a day, and letting the thoughts soak in. I am going to start a biography this week called Evidence Not Seen. I love biographies. I still have Bonhoeffer on my kindle, unfinished. I admit, it is harder for me to read online, or on gadgety type things, than in an actual book. I do try to purchase most of my new books on Kindle, I know it is better for the environment and my husband always complains how much space my books take, but there is really nothing quite like holding an actual book. Even with all the Bible software I have for study, I find I usually pull out my hard copy of Strong's Concordance and my favorite Bible dictionaries. I know my way around them better. Maybe I am becoming a dinosaur.

I've been missing my Cara something awful the last few days. Yesterday was her birthday. I hate that we live so far apart. I miss Jade too. California seems so far away some days. I am grateful for the friendships I have here, in the south, but I don't feel this is "home", not even after living here ten years. There's a part of my soul that thrives close to the Pacific Ocean. It is just the way of things.

For now, I try to live contentedly here, where it is currently cold and rainy. A pot of tea is made and at the ready, and I stay inside, reading books and trying to stay warm. But I am looking forward to Summer and flip flops and swimming pools; sunscreen and tank tops and my fair shade of albino turning into a rosy porcelain. Ha.

Contentedly {longing},

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