Wednesday, January 28, 2015

Hopefully

This afternoon, while I was sitting in my bed reading, I saw a white pick-up truck pull into our driveway. A man in a military uniform got out and began walking toward the front door. My children, who have made it their job to know when anyone comes or goes from our home, immediately identified said soldier as one Mr. French, a man we used to do Bible study with.

I met him at the door. He seemed a tad uncomfortable, unsure what to say, but what I eventually gathered was that he has read my blog lately, he is aware I am going through a hard time, and he made me a cd with A LOT of music on it. Two hundred ninety four songs, to be exact. He said he didn't know what he could do to help, but he did have music, and he made me a gift. His wife drew a picture of an oil lamp on the cd, and they titled the compilation Oil for the Lamp.

I thanked him, walked back with the cd to my bedroom, and stared at that oil lamp until tears sprang to my eyes. I knew it wasn't about whether any of the music on the cd was my style or not, it was just that holding this small, silver disc in my hands reminded me that God remembers me, and He sends people who care into my life. People who are willing to feel a little awkward or inadequate in order to show love in whatever way they can.

I just feel grateful for that. It was a small thing, but it felt big.

Right now I am watching the sunset. My favorite time of day is dusk, when it is still light enough out to do whatever you mean to do, but you know it won't stay that way for long. The sun has slipped down low, and the sky is a palette of blues and pinks, oranges and lavenders. The trees are starting to darken into silhouettes, the street lights are beginning to flicker on. It is my favorite time to drive, this short bit of time in between daylight and darkness. Somewhere in between glaring sun and chilly nightfall.

Maybe, in some ways, I feel like this represents where I am metaphorically, spiritually, if that makes any sense at all.

We are being creative about dinner tonight since we don't get paid until tomorrow, and so we are holding off on grocery shopping. We are making breakfast for dinner, eggs and bacon and potatoes. One thing you should know about my husband is that he makes amazing breakfast potatoes. The kind that are worth staying married for. Yes, they're really that good.

I'm wishing I didn't get my hair cut quite so short this time. I was looking at pictures from a couple weeks ago, before I went so short, and I kind of liked it. It was sort of Roaring Twenties-esque. But it is just hair and it will grow back. I drool over long hair, wishing I could grow mine out like that. I had hair down to my butt when I was in my mid-twenties. I ended up going short because I was taking chemo meds, and they made my hair fall out in chunks until it looked pretty sparse and sickly. I remember being shocked at how emotional it can be for a woman to lose her hair. I've never considered myself a particularly vain person, I'm actually pretty low maintenance when it comes to appearances, but it felt dehumanizing, somehow.

Now my hair is short and blonde. I've been off chemo meds for a while, so I'm wondering whether growing my hair out is even an option. I know when it was cut, all the hair that I HAD grown out was thin, dry, and baby fine. It felt much better after all that was chopped off. My hair feels thicker now. But I don't know if I'll ever have really long hair again. I'm not sure it should matter, except that my ears are always cold now.

Another thing I'm thinking about- later today in a Facebook conversation with Kyle {Mr. French} and his wife Valerie, he reduced everything down by saying the only things he knows for sure are Jesus and the Bible. I told him I agreed on the Jesus part, but the Bible part becomes a little more complicated for me because men twist, manipulate and distort the meanings. He said he understood, he wasn't so sure about the men either, but he was sure about Jesus and the Bible. Huh.

Another friend posted something about how the deeper we go into theology, the more child-like our faith will become. I think this should be true, but I don't think this is what usually happens, and it has certainly not been my experience in the people I have known in my thirty five years in church. I'm not sure that makes it any less true, but there it is nonetheless.

I need to get to bed early tonight if there is any hope I am going to be able to drive to Savannah and back to pick up prescription slips AND grocery shop. I feel tired just thinking about it. I used to bring a kid along with me so I'd have someone to help keep me awake but the truth is, they don't do a very good job at that and I'm usually the one keeping the conversation going. I have a couple of books on audio that'll do just fine. I am over half way through with An Angle Of Repose. Maybe I can get that done so we can listen to Amy Poeler's new book this weekend when we drive to Florida and back. My Cara tells me it is hilarious.

My mom told me that Saturday night'll be girls night- just her, me and my sister will go out. I am looking forward to that. For now, a soak in a hot bath and then pajamas.

Overall, it was a decent day.

Hopefully,
Amy




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