Wednesday, September 16, 2015

Online Journal

I seem to be a little fickle, as far as this blog goes. I go through periods where I write nearly every day for a month or more and then slow down to a complete stop for weeks. It's not intentional. There are a number of factors that influence these gaps, including illness. Sometimes, when I am feeling exceptionally unwell for a longer period of time, I don't feel I have much of anything good to contribute here. I don't want to be a grumbler, though I suppose there may be some who find there way here who are also struggling with chronic illness or some other such thing. Perhaps it would serve as a source of encouragement to know that other people struggle too.

So friends, I am struggling. The doctor's visits, the lab work, the pharmacy meltdowns, the insurance battles... it's all feeling overwhelming right now. I have such a hard time receiving refills in a timely manner and sometimes just a few days off of the medications cause me to have a flare. I lay in bed, feverish and swollen and miserable, and I wonder if it will always be this way, a girl with an incurable disease, enjoying only smallish times of relief and the rest of the time pain and misery.

It sounds bleak and depressing, I know. But it's truthful. I am all about being truthful.

Last week I was hit with the flu from Hell. I am finally, mostly recovered. My birthday is on Friday and we are driving down to Florida to spend the weekend with my parents, and I am so looking forward to that. She is going to make me lasagna and ceasar salad and Trever is making me a lemon pound cake with homemade lemon curd. I will be surrounded by my children, my parents, my sister... and it all sounds so lovely.

I have great hopes for the next year of my life.

Tomorrow I am meeting with Owen's kindergarten teacher for parent-teacher conferences. I am actually not dreading it as much as I thought I would.

But today I had to go to the DMV to get my license renewed before it expired on Friday. Nothing like getting down to the wire. The picture they took of me is dreadful and I will have to hold on to it for eight years. Sigh. One of these times I will get a good picture on a form of identification and I will be so thrilled I won't know what to do with myself.

Dylan and Riley have had football practices almost every week night and I sort of hate it. We have to go pick them up, Dylan at 6 and Riley sometimes as late as 7 (they go to different schools) and it messes up dinner times and feels late. It's DARK by the time they get home, and then of course they stink to high heaven and need to shower, do homework, eat something and go to bed. I barely get to talk with them. I am not used to that. They seem to love it though, and their games are on Thursdays... I missed their games two weeks in a row, the first week because I was visiting Cara in Oklahoma and the second because the flu had me in the throes of death. So I am hoping tomorrow will be a go, even though I generally avoid going out later in the day, as I am usually exhausted. I would still love to see them play. It sounds like Dylan is getting more play time than Riley, but Riley is maintaining a good attitude and hopeful he will improve and show his coach he is worthy of a starting position. I hope he does just that.

I had a friend recommend several books to me because I am wanting to explore fiction and didn't know where to start. I've mostly read non-fiction my whole life. I ordered four of the books she suggested, and they should be here tomorrow, so I am looking forward to jumping in to a new genre. I need to finish up the last few books I need to complete my challenge for the year of 30 books. I think I am currently at 22.

I don't really have any life lesson or moral of the story here, I'm really using this space as a sort of online journal at this point, but I promise if I have anything deep or profound to share, I will. In the meantime, there is something to be said about JUST WRITING. I just need to.

I am feeling exceptionally groggy this afternoon, so I think I am going to attempt a nap. I am not a good sleeper; even worse at napping. I take sleep meds, which help, but I still wake up a lot. I feel tired a lot of the time, and honestly, I can't imagine what it would feel like to wake up feeling refreshed and NOT TIRED. I keep coffee in the house religiously. My doctor even recommended a stimulant for me once, to help me stay awake and alert throughout the day, but I just hated it. It made me feel like my heart was always racing and it stressed me out. There has got to be a better way, and just as soon as I find it, I will stop taking naps at 3pm. But for now....

Sleepily yours,

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