Hard Grace

I am tired. I am having such a hard time feeling motivated for anything. I look around and see so many things I should do, so many things I want to do. In theory.

Some days, I am quite at peace about being sick. I have flare-ups occasionally, I hurt, I ache. I get stiff and sometimes struggle to use my hands or wrists. I have come to accept this as part of life.

It is this tiredness, it saps my strength. I go to bed utterly exhausted, and wake up not much rested. I sleep well, but never seem to feel better. I have developed these hideous dark cirles around my eyes, and my eyelids are discolored. I look sick. I know I am, but now I even look it.

My poor sister came to visit me a couple weekends ago, and she did not quite know what to say or do for me. I can make myself fairly presentable, when I go out. I put on make-up. I can hide the sick, but I can not hide the tired. It shows through, no matter what I do.

My body is exhausted. But my mind, it is restless. And all the things that I usually look to as an outlet for my thoughts- reading, writing, drawing- they all seem to require too much energy. I can't seem to want to anyway.

I try to pray. I do pray- feebly. I haven't been reading so many of the books on my shelves, but I read my Bible. I look for Jesus, every day. Here. In this hard season. I come to the end of myself. He is there. He is always here. And he is enough.

Grace can be a hard lesson to learn.

But His grace is sufficient. And in my weakness, He is strong.

To Him be all the glory.