Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Winding Broken Watches

Today is the last day in January, and it seems almost surreal. It strikes me as ironic that sometimes the hours, days, months seem to creep by at a snail-like pace, while other times you seem to blink and time is gone.

Have you ever known a person in such a way that you simultaneously feel like time has flown by and you can't believe you've known them so long and at the same time feel like there has never been a time you did not know them? I wonder if I am making any sense....

In any case, yesterday was my appointment with the rheumatologist. We went over blood work, he examined my joints. Seems I have developed a nasty case of tendonitis in my wrists on top of the arthritis. He wants me to have a muscle test done, as well as have my thyroid tested again. Weakness and fatigue, as well as poor sleep, have him concerned something else is going on. I have a bit of a rash as well. And really, I just don't have any feelings about it one way or the other. I feel almost too tired to care right now. I am just hoping to get through this pregnancy with as little drama as possible.

Baby seems to be doing great, for which I am very thankful.

We got burgers on the way home, which I justified since I have only gained two pounds in the last two months. {They were highly caloric, greasy, cholesterol packed burgers, but oh so delicious.}

Still plugging away on the blanket I am knitting for our daughter. I am over half way done, and have begun the decreasing stitches now. I wish I could knit faster, and for longer periods of time, but my hands get too swollen if I do. So, easy does it.

My teeth are all of a sudden very sensitive, which is odd. I bought some special toothpaste meant to help with that and have been drinking cold beverages out of straws. I find I prefer warmer drinks at present.

Trever bought us some flavored coffee- Gloria Jean's butter toffee. Oh. My. So yummy.

He and the boys {and Libby} are working on getting their little match box cars carved and sanded and painted for their AWANA grand prix, which is coming up soon. It's a fun little project for them.

And lately, I have been feeling this general sense of malaise, kind of an underlying discontent I can't really describe or explain. When the feeling is so general, it is hard to know what to do about it. Maybe I am a little depressed? I feel tired nearly all the time. I don't feel unhappy, really, just- hmmm. Blah. Listless. Unmotivated and yet unsatisfied. And wondering what this all has to do with my spiritual state and what, if anything, I should do about it..

Is there anything to be said about going through the motions even when you just don't feel like doing much of anything?

I remember reading a story about an old town of people whose watchmaker died. They no longer had anyone they could bring their watches to, to have them repaired and serviced. So, all the watches stopped telling proper time. Eventually, after many years, a new watchmaker came to town, and the people were all very excited to bring their broken watches to him. After examining the watches, however, he found he was only able to fix the watches of the people who had continued to wind them.

Even when they were not keeping proper time, they had to be wound in order to retain their usefulness, their ability to be adjusted.

Certainly this is not a perfect analogy because, Lord knows, we sometimes stop winding and do far worse than just negligence to ourselves and yet God can redeem any of us, from any thing.

But it has gotten me thinking that sometimes, however imperfect, however little we *feel*, going through the motions, attempting to read contemplatively or pray or what have you, sometimes- it matters anyway. Maybe it helps put us in a proper place to be adjusted, receptive, when the right time comes.

And I guess that's just where I am right now.

Just winding the broken watch.


~amy danielle

2 comments:

  1. I often have to just go through the paces, wind the watch. That's where the liturgy helps me...reading, praying deeper words than I can come up with on my own, you know? Three times a day, just stopping, reading, praying, and going on. Even if I'm not full of feeling I am at least not standing still - or worse, shrinking back. That's the only way I know to keep going...life seems to weigh more than I can carry too many times.

    Thinking of you with love today and praying for you as always.

    much love.

    tonia

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Tonia. I think that your comment here has acted as the little nudge I may have needed.

      I know you asked before what I was thinking of The Cloister Walk. Well, I am just starting it {again}. I have been giving a lot of thought to the very things you touched on, and that Kathleen writes about, and that I'm reading in Wil Derkse's book as well {I did end up picking up a copy after all}

      I think, being raised in the kinds of churches I was growing up, going through the motions somehow makes one feel hypocritical, like you are not being genuine in your worship. I think I am beginning to see that this does not have to be true at all.

      Yes, the world feels too heavy for me too.

      Much love back, and thank you, truly, for your prayers. xo

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