Monday, July 22, 2013

When I Feel Lost...

Lately, I have been trudging my way through a depression of sorts. 

I wake up in the morning and feel tired before I even get moving. My eyes sting and my joints ache. My hips and knees snap, crackle and pop reminiscent of the popular breakfast cereal, and I wonder if I could sleep longer, longer than is even practical... I wonder if it is possible to wake up refreshed. I can not remember ever feeling this way, not one single morning of my life. Not even as a child.

But even more challenging for me to cope with than my physical condition is the spiritual, the emotional, the soulful part of me.

I feel sadness, I feel loss, I feel hopelessness and despair that threatens to swallow me up, even as I watch the interaction of my greatest loves...My husband, my children... I see them fight and smile and laugh, I watch them eat and sleep and grow... and I feel eerily disconnected, as if watching through a smudged, dirty window. It all feels distorted and distant.

I have so much to be grateful for, and I am. Grateful, I mean.

But the struggle is real, to be present, to live this one life full out.

I reach out, straining... I know Jesus is there. I long to experience him more fully. I wonder if I am missing it somehow.

I am just going through the motions, waiting for His touch to become fully alive. I see through a glass, dimly... but I long to see Him face to face, to know Him as I am known....

And so I put one foot in front of the other.

I take a shower. I drink a glass of water. I take my vitamins. I rub honeysuckle scented lotion into my dry skin. I read a psalm. I pray.

All I want to do is lay in bed and do nothing. But I am able to look into the eyes of my husband and feel loved. I can look on tomorrow with hope. I can sleep in peace, awaiting the resurrection of a new day, with all the promise that entails. I can trust that Jesus can right all wrongs, redeem all brokenness, minister reconciliation to the most hopeless situations...

And that He can do it in me. Even me.

~amy danielle


 


1 comment:

Your kind thoughts...

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