Light at the tunnel's end

I've been in a very frustrating place spiritually for some time. I've alternated between feeling depressed, desperate, cynical, numb, and occasionally angry.

Now, finally, I am seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.

I've met with a couple of friends over the last few days. I had an amazing phone call tonight. I had a gut wrenching heart to heart with my husband. They've all had the same effect: they've showed me that God does indeed hear and answer my prayers, and in ways that make it clear and obvious it couldn't be anyone else BUT God.

I am so profoundly grateful for that.

I struggle with feeling like I'm not really forgiven at times. I question whether I've really repented in sincerity. I wonder what is down deep in the bottom of my soul...

There is something to be said about the adage that confession is good for the soul. And not just confession to God. Sometimes, when we are brave enough to share our sin, our struggles, all our messiness and weaknesses, with another person, it is a beautiful thing. You bring light into that dark place, and the stronghold loses it's power.

I often feel like I shouldn't burden others with my issues, or I fear their judgment. It is indeed important to listen to the promptings of God. But if he says to speak, it really is such a scary thing to do, but do it.

I was telling my husband how I struggle to feel God will continue to forgive me, seeing as how when I sin it is usually outright rebellion. I'm sinning when I know better. And he asked the tiniest little  huge question: is there anything you haven't told me that you should? That might make you feel you can't be forgiven?

And yes. There was something. I had to work up courage, but I let it out. It acted very much like a lancet to a festering wound. He loved me through it and reminded me that if he can forgive me, love me enough to see past my sin into my heart, then surely God can. It's in that moment that I realized that God was using my husband's mouth to speak words of reassurance, of pardon, of unconditional love.

I was hoping to tell about the phone call I had tonight, but as it is it is 11 o'clock. Trever and Ella Grace are both sleeping, as evidenced by the snoring. We've all got a bit of a cold going on and I'm meeting yet another amazing friend tomorrow morning for coffee. So I'd better get to sleep. Maybe tomorrow.



{and for all those of you who asked about the online course I am taking, I will try to post links tomorrow as well.}