I've not felt well lately.
While this is not new, I confess, I get tired of it from time to time. Chronic illness is indeed a huge challenge for me. Just about as often as I feel the closeness of God upholding me through it, I feel distance and feel abandoned to work it out on my own.
I believe God can heal. I just wonder why He doesn't more often. I realize that's not my call, but I struggle with it just the same.
Yesterday, I had a Christian on my Facebook page tell me that all of my struggles with Christianity, all my doubt and questioning and wrestling... It was all because of my own selfishness. And I couldn't help but feel she had just served to make my point, because in my thread I had shared that doubt and uncertainty are not met often with compassion or encouragement within Christianity. Instead, they are often met with harshness, sterile facts or accusation.
We have too many people acting in the role of Job's counselors. With friends like that....
I've often gotten the feeling that my so-called brothers and sisters don't really CARE that I'm struggling. Rather, they'd just like me to stop rocking the proverbial boat.
I'm grateful for the few precious ones in my life who encourage and love me unconditionally, who give me room to grow and learn and question and sometimes even screw up. They simply offer me a hand up and pick the debris out of my wild hair, hug me tight and walk with me a few paces while I regain my balance.
It's brought clarity though, all these negative experiences with the church. I don't attempt to win the approval of others like I used to, and I've stopped caring quite so much what everyone thinks.
The best I can do is be honest with my struggles and allow them to drive me toward truth, not away from it.