Tuesday, November 5, 2013

what's burning inside

I am running a fever and have a sore throat and feel whiny and pathetic today. I've barely left my bed. If there's a word that means I passed tired a few laps back, I'm THAT.

It's weird how the weeks I resolve to do LESS, I get the most invitations. Other than today, I think I have plans every single day until early next week. So let's hope I perk up by tomorrow evening.

I bought a couple of whole chickens, some fresh garlic and rosemary and lemons, and have them roasting in the oven right now. I am hoping to start eating dinner earlier around here so I don't go to bed feeling so full and heavy.

This time change is just completely messing me up. I live in denial of the time change for several weeks. If my kids tell me it's 8 a.m., I mentally think, "So it's REALLY 7." I honestly think the whole concept of changing time is stupid and maybe even a little audacious. But oh well.

I am in this odd place where I am just over all the craziness. I'm just looking to live truth. I'm less interested with all the relational struggles. For instance, there's this person I've been avoiding. I've been trying hard not to run into him even though we have many of the same friends. Now I'm just like, whatever. I'm done hiding.

I spent last night reading back through some old journal and blog posts, just remembering. One of the friends who knows of some of my current struggles with faith recommended it. He told me I should go back and remember times when I knew God was speaking to me and working in my life. I guess sometimes, when everything spiritually seems a little too quiet for comfort, we need to remember. Because we are either making it all up in our heads or else it was true and real and we need to hold on to that when we are feeling downcast.

I've made a bit of headway with a woman I want to like, but really haven't up to this point. Our personalities clash. But she is growing on me, and this feels like a very big deal to me right now. Sometimes the little things really are the big things.

Maybe tomorrow will I'll start talking about how the prophetic call on my life scares the hell out of me and how I've run and rebelled and ignored it for too long. Or about how living it out is going to make people hate and misunderstand me at every turn. Truth is though, I'm done running, I'm done aspirating on my own sin. The dreams and visions I've had can't be held in any longer. They've been burning up my insides.

So if I start sounding like a Jesus-obsessed maniacal extremest, well, that's why. The time has come.





3 comments:

  1. This is going to be a very exciting November. I hope this little blogging whim will be helpful in your journey xx

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  2. I think the business of being in the wilderness, wandering around, waiting to grow and someday arrive at the promised land just sucks a little. I'm glad you're hanging on, glad you're going through the remembering process. That's what the Psalms are, eh? All these litanies of remembrance, reminding themselves AND God what he said, what he did. Good stuff, that. xo

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  3. It seems that God's people are always called on to look back and remember what He's done before. Otherwise we'd be terrified of today's troubles, or as you said, today's emptiness. Blessings on you as you find your way. Thanks for stopping by my blog! :)

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